Relationship with Failure

i hate failing.

i feel like my worth is tied to my output and what people think of me. my baseline self-worth is really low, which sounds silly but it's honestly true, and the only way to feel good is by showing output.

that's why I am the best iOS guy you'll ever meet, that can ship quicker than any one else effortlessly, because honestly if i couldn't i'd feel inferior, weak, a failure.

i hate the feeling of failing.

i remember working for a startup after dropping out, 12-16 hours a day, 7 days a week was a norm. After a year i had a feeling we're going to fail, i quit, to literally become a monk. (so I'd feel better than everyone else who's playing the made up game)

i truly am afraid of failing. i don't care about effort part that's easy. I've worked 12 hours shift at warehouses, anything else I do on a computer is literally just me having fun.

as a child I used to ask my dad if I could type things for him on his work laptop; only way I could touch computers) I still feel the same way.

The word "burnt out" is laughable, you're truly a bitch if you think your silly little gig at your computer is SO TIRING. Like actually shoot me if I say I am burnt out. You have my full permission.

I feel so grateful in moments when I realize, I get to use computers for living (THA'TS FUCKING INSANE, I still remember having to share a single computer with 3 people at my middle school in Nepal, the room filled with smell of torn down socks (that was a little gross), but I enjoyed the feeling of being with friends and learning .bat scripts even if it was just for 30 minutes per week after a 15 mins long boring talk about Charles Babbage and Track ball mice)

one of the biggest reason I don't use social media, or post anything is because I tie my self worth to the outcome, and if the slides doesn't work, or the post doesn't go "viral" I feel like I'm worthless, genuinely.

it's not because I'm "bad" at marketing or bad at making PNGs, it's because I've tied my self worth to the outcome.

i am not going to be afraid to learn. in the constant cycle of it's so over and we're so back, there's always been a constant, i've enjoyed what I did, I may have not liked the outcomes, i've felt tired, weak, sick. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure if i'd change a single fucking thing. It was all awesome. The 2K MRR app that flopped. Childhood me would've been happy knowing I was doing something I loved.

The recent exits i've been part of, I don't know if that has made me the happiest person in the world, heck I'm not sure if I was happier then or when i was a child in Nepal with a ~$6 per month (~40 NPR a school day) stipen for snacks, (I was truly balling then, ty mom)

I know goalpost will always move and I am okay with that. I love the game, and I know I will win. if that means fighting against my deepest childhood trauma, my own instincts of feeling like a failure, that's the game I'll play to win.

i am done doing things that are easy, I will work harder than you, I will adapt faster than you.

i will try my best, because the other alternative where I don't, is the lowest of the low I can possibly feel.

I want to be high on life, maximize what I truly want. No longer bounded by my mind.